Driving round the carpark – Day 19


The two week wait between transfer and the pregnancy test is a tricky place to be. Reading about fellow “waiter”, some blitz themselves with pregnancy tests while other just sit and hope and try to keep themselves busy. No one, it ever seems is brimming with confidence…. and that’s what this process does to you.. slowly saps you and builds up an enormous level of suspended hope whether you like it or not.  We are non early preg testers. We wait for the official thing, its kills us, but we don’t want to read a false  negative in advance in case it causes stress on the kids.

The Mango Princess though all this, bless her, is 100% calm and still enjoying, to a dregree, 3 days of virtual bed rest. She had read a pile of books, has the laptop by her side for updates from the celebrity world at her fingertips and enjoys doing very little, although this morning she declared herself bored.

Yours truly on the other hand, is tired, hasnt slept well for weeks and has resorted to going back to the gym to exhaust himself so he stops thinking. Only endorphins seem to be able to do that. Still, it appear the irony is everywhere. We live in a town where everyone has a pram and a kid and what i find is haunting me is that I can now pick ages a bit better (boys I think generally suck at that), so new borns would be a  sucessful cycle 2 or cycle 3 for us… the demons enjoy dancing around my head and playing with me like that.

The gym I go is one of these hard core kickboxing places and have found it a world away from the pregnancy thoughts, but today the woman next to me was well advanced on her pregnancy, so I laughed and got on with my jab cross jabs and resigned to the fact that there is no escape.

The ghouls in my head were at their best after our the miscarriage in cycle 1. We were naturally quite devastated so I heads up to the gym to blow some evil thoughts away only to find themselves well entrenched in my heads saying “if you don’t complete these 50 push ups you will never have a chid”… “if you don’t complete the ATTACK round at top effort, the child approval committee (that exists in some other dimension that approves who does and doesn’t have kids), will score you badly and you wont get your kid application approved”.. on and on. I went home exhausted and freaked out at how evil I can be to myself

Still, we hold out that this will work for us. I think I am resigned to live my life like this forever, but after 2 years I have really forgotten why my old life is like. Ever since I had bad results from my urologist (Dec 21 2007), I have been on a mission to improve things, which I know is a good thing. Now I am at a point where I haven’t had a drink for a year (apart from one 1/4 glass of wine), no caffeine (and I used to do 5 coffee’s a day, diet cokes etc  – so that’s just a generally good thing I guess)  and have lost over 10kg / 22 pounds.  So all good side effect I agree, but still… i would love to go out for a nice dinner and have a great bottle of wine, or go and grab some drinks with mates, or have a filthy hot curry, or ride a bike, or have a spa bath or….

The glimmer of hope still exits as the more I have got into my blogging the more I have read other people stories. Still a blackhole of posts from guys (where are you?), but what I keep finding is all these long and painful IVF stories with photo of kiddies and very relieved, thankful and grateful parents. Time and time again. The web is full of successful IVF bloggers! We just haven’t got there yet, so chin I guess, and keep the faith.

Thinking more about it, if you recall the analogy in my 1st post, around waiting for a car park in a supermarket and other keep grabbing “our” spot as “we have been here waiting longer”,  I guess I am not fussed waiting longer, I am used to this now, its just feels that its holding us back from doing other things (like travel that we love) and also piles pressure on the thought of if we’ll ever get there. If some would tell me we’d get there on the 9th IVF go, at least I have an end date, but as my WWII vet says – that’s not how this thing works.

This has to be one of the hardest things you do in life, but still thing we have a great chance to get there. I really relly do. So the demons can bugger off.

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One Response

  1. Keep your head up, all will work out in the end!!!!!!!

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