The IVF room


So the US govt decided I am a worthy guest of the superpower for another year and let me back in the country. I saw Mrs IVF for a day or so and am now back in Columbus Ohio on work. I checked into my hotel and the over trained receptionist nearly passed out with the good news she had to give me… ” we have upgraded you to a whirlpool room!!!” which was delivered with the happy energy of someone who has just landed a $50 million lottery win…”Yay” I say, “but thats no good for me, you see I can’t cook my nuts in the tub, or enjoy the champas as I a sub fertile and that sort of thing kills off the boys”, “Oh” says the checkerinerer, “Sorry Mr IVF, we didnt have your fertility status on record (um, even though you name does imply it), so instead I’ll upgrade you to the IVF room. Sorry for the confusion, here, have a free breakfast on us, but rememeber,  no coffee”

I head to the whirlpool free, IVF friendly room and, wow, what a nice surprise. There are all sorts of treats in here:

– the fridge is stocked with exotic non alcoholic, no fizzy cocktails. Tasty

– The coffee machine has been replaced with a  juice maker

– there is a laptop that gives you an anonymous login to facebook but keeps all your friends profiles. To some of my more belligerent and annoying fertiles friends I post comments on their wall like “hey, that 16,000th photo of your 3 month old child looks pretty similar to the others, it appears your kid doesnt change as often as you think it does” or “hey thanks for all the pics of you kid. I printed them all out and flipped through them fast so now I have a running movie of every aspect of the first year of your kids life. Thanks” and “oh great 200 photos of you sitting on the lounge with the kid, thanks, I never tire of looking at young Grover”

– I turn on the TV, there are no kids programs, no kids in programs and certianly no happy happy family shenanigans, and if I go to the movie channel there of course a heap of porn but I am bored with that as I have seen all the offerings in “jerk and spurt” rooms around dr’s facilities all over this country.

– the phone is equipped with all sorts high-tech features. When you ring a friend with kids, it identifies gushing wonderfullness pouring out of parents and if the parents havent wised up to you lack of comments within 30 seconds it blasts a screaming siren down the phone. If they are too engrossed in their blindfully brilliant family  life then after 2 mins the phone the sends an electric pulse and zaps them. As I said – high tech phone.

– the bed is the most plumpest thing you have ever slept in. It’s like a cloud. It has a special ball bag massage facility that gently  massages the nads. These beds increase male fertility by 1,000%. It teaches the boys to swim, grow and be healthy.

hmmm, we can dream…. quite a dark, “isolate me from the fertiles” post, but your responses to my last post kicked me off. I am not anti kid, not anti parent, but am anti “lack of sensitivity” and above all just very tired,  certainly jealous of fertiles and above all just want out of IVF land. Badly. Bloody tiredness, time for a snooze on the cloud.

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4 Responses

  1. Mr IVF that was genius! Especially the facebook para – I’d so love to post those sort of comments.

  2. LOL at “even though your name implies it”! Ahhh, it is nice to dream about a more infertile-friendly world. But your time is coming, and coming soon. You’ll be that facebook guy soon enough!

  3. You crack me up Mr. IVF! I’m glad you are back in the states for another year. You and Mrs. IVF have been on a very long road to parenthood. The crap that you have had to deal with over and over is long and draining. I’m hoping that you get to be completely obnoxious with your pictures of your little one soon. 🙂 {hugs to you both}

  4. Anti-kid? Anti-parent? Are they kidding?

    How could you and Mrs IVF be going through all this crap and not be 100% committed to becoming parents. Oh, and a little bitter, to boot!

    Wow. I’ll have to go back and read your other post to see how you could possibly piss anyone off like that.

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