Ok, I wanted to hold off on this one until I had final signoff, but I got final approval first thing this am so I can now release my big news.
There will be no more IVF in this world. Big hey! Thought you like it.
I wrote a long proposition to the God council (participants include God, Jesus, the holy spirit, Buda, Allah, Tiger Woods) to eliminate infertility and IVF and replace it with a more reasonable system and they went for it. Something predictable and fair.
You go to the supermarket and it has food to buy right?,you don’t turn up hoping that the shelves have something on them! You just shop. You jump on a plane and it flies you somewhere ? (well most of the time,) you don’t just go to the airport and hope it has planes! You tune in to this websites and get random rants from a desperate (but somewhat hansome) semi fertile aussie freak, you dont get Italian football scores. You turn on your TV and you watch programs, its not blank! (you getting this yet… predictability people!), so why when you have shag it is soooo hit and miss and just frikkin random and having a kid is no flight to Columbus Ohio, or a can of soup at a supermarket, it’s a huge deal so we need a better system!
Well no more of this silly heart wrenching randomness that causes so much angst and agony, the gods accepted my proposal. I am sure this will be on the news tonight, and in the papers tomorrow, so I may as well give you a sneak peak:
* babies will no longer be “awarded” on this random sex basis. You need to fill out a form (www.iwantakid.now ) and you application will be processed in due course. Current IVF / IUI etc pateints get a fast track option (www.kid-now-now-now-now!.now) . Successful parental approval will be avoided on the following criteria:
– you need to be good, (santa will be asked for a cross reference) financially sound, have a job, be of an appropriate age (i.e. not 14), be able to support your child and bring them up in an environment of love, warmth, caring, nurturing and development of your child.
– if you have (a) been insensitive to infertile people, (b) just nasty in general, (c) have a propensity to boast on facebook or add too many photos or (d) breach any of the conditions above, your application will be rejected. Your $50 application fee will not be refunded, but you can try again later when you get your shit together.
Once approved your ovaries and sperm will be turned on (don’t worry it doesnt hurt), you dig up the Barry White CD and get on the case. You will be pregnant within the month, or you money back (well, it is god, so thats a good guarantee I guess). No more if’s or buts. Job done. So by default, all sex will be safe sex, so you are just “turning yourself on” (see – now you know where that phrase came from) once you get regulatory approval. Gents – when turned off , you will still shoot juice, it just lacks tadpoles that you will get injected in the mix when you pick up your god issued parenting licence.
Note: you cannot choose if it’s a boy or girl and you still run the risk of multiples, (mother nature likes to thow curve balls). You also run the risk of kiddies with issues and we will all suffer age related concerns (no mums at age 60) etc, i.e. nature will run its course, we are just streamlining and making more efficient the on boarding process. Good idea hey!
So this solves:
– infertility and saves a fortune on contraceptives
– the emotion and struggle around unwanted pregnancies
– people who arent fit for parents accidently becoming parents
– humiliation to the IVF community
– those sad third world advertisements you asking to help third world kids
– probably no more crap in the paper about if angela is pregnant again
– no more octomum, kate + 8 etc freeing valuable media space for decent journalism
I know how much you have all liked stressing out your relationships with the IVF rollercoaster. Oh the ups and down, the thrills, alas will be no more. Sorry, you will need to go real theme parks and tackle the rides with young Grover /Groverlina in person. Sorry for the inconvenience.
The websites should be up in the morning and thanks for your time and as everyone just loves to say in this country…. have a nice day.
Mr – nonIVF