Enter the IVF chef!

So I got looking for good lining food. There is a website for everything, and of course, I found one on “increase uterine lining with estrogen type foods”. See below


So while Mrs IVF was out doing her acupuncture last night I went and hit the organic store with the article above looking to cook up a storm. My initial thought was to do a stir fry as I thought I could use some soy sauce to help the case (soy is good!), but as I read beyond the pure ingredients I saw the following comment:

There are many ways to prepare and implement these foods in your diet but if you’re looking for a quick estrogen fix without alot of prep work, try juicing. I find that juicing is such a fast easy way to get quick results because the raw juice reaches the cellular level within 15 minutes and if you’re working against that age related infertility clock, every minute counts right?”

Right !!!! Well, This just pumped me right up! Working against that damn clock! We needed to hurry. We arent talking years here people, we are talking a week+ to transfer and merely days to our next scan! I almost ran straight out of the shop then and there!

However, I had 2 other problems to contend with first. (1) I had a basket full of things for a stir fry, not a smoothie and (2) I am known for not following recipes. Pie – I am no cook to your standard, but I hold my own, my problem is if I dont have or dont know of an ingredient I substitute, generally successfully, but not always. Mr IVF cooking is a bit like Wheel of Fortune – sometimes top dollar and sometimes banktrupt. Mrs IVF is a stickler for recipes and really struggles with my approach, so we have a truce around this where she doesnt ask and I dont tell. I cook with lots of secret ingredients, she generally likes what I eat, and the world keep spinning.

So, you probably guessed where this is going, but with that damn clock rining in my ears, I needed to work with utmost haste.  An inappropriate basket of food and a general lack of control when it comes to cooking wasnt going to get in my way, so I pushed on pretty much grabbing anything I could juice and headed for the checkout and dropped $40 on what would turn out to be probably the most expensive drink of my life.

So, ladies and gentlemen, of the readership world, I proudly introduce to you, from the kitchens of Hoboken, NJ, USA,  the “you beaut ute boost”.. (“you bute” is an aussie term for “great; wow!;  isn’t that just something!!” – for example lets say you were at the races and your horse came in 1st, it wouldnt be uncommon for someone in Australian, who maybe isnt very posh to yelp out “YOU LITTLE BEAUTY”… which in non Aussie would be “oh wow, I think I won, isn’t that just something then hey?”

The recipe is as follows:

a large head of broccoli, a slab of cauliflower, a whole plastic container of mung bean sprouts (boy, they make a mess but juice well!), a hand full of baby carrots (add more if you like carrot – quite strong when juiced), 3-4 mushrooms (they dont juice very well but add a bit of brown to the mix, which i think is key), a whole tub of brussel sprouts, a squash, 4 red delicious apples, 3 pears, an inch of ginger and a few spring of thyme for a bit of randomness.

The result? “tasty, gingery and well, good” were the 1st words from Mrs IVF. I did taste test it first to ensure I didnt kill her, and must admit it wasn’t bad, even if it did have a bit of a pond scum look about it.

I made up so much I ran out of containers and ended up using mixing bowls.

So there we have it. Poor old Mrs IVF is drinking pond scum for lunch and dinner and says she still likes it with  smile, so it cant be that bad. If we cancel this cycle I can’t come away feeling we haven’t trie our hardest to get that 1.6MM!!!


Huntin’ season

So we tripped, staggered but havent fallen…. yet

The word from the elf yesterday was they aren’t cancelling the cycle, but they will move the transfer back a week and we go on a rampage to grown that lining. So it’s officially linin’ huntin’ season in our household. Who has good recipes to help grow lining? estrogen burgers anyone?? Any other tips of to do’s or not to do’s? Lets get going here people, we need lining and we need it now, kind donations of lining are greatly appreciated and can be pledged by calling 1-800 GIVIN LINING. We are going for that 1.6MM of luck!

So we still fly out this Saturday we do a scan on Tuesday then another one Thursday then trf  WILL (lets keep positive people) be 21st, we will then head up to Salt Lake City to meet my mum who is flying in from Oz, then back to Gotham on the 28th. 

Question is – fly or drive? Which one is likely to cause less damage to jnr? Any opinions?

So Mrs IVF has officially gone “smurf turf” is the report today from the nether regions (and no, thats not a country with windmills in Europe). She is off the vaigara and onto the estrace which I believe is causing quite a mess. (taking verbal reports here, no need to go for visual proof). Estrogen level last week 419, now 413, need to get this up, its above the line, but we want it to grow.

Reflection moment….so much hassle – can you believe that all this can be done through a 5 min shag? How amazing can the human body be when it works as it should.

Thankyou once again commenters – great to hear from you and for those of you who are new, I will try and catchup on your blogs now that we are guest free. There is some seriously wicked homour (yes – Australians add the “u”‘) out there amongst the despair on your blogs.

Some some specific comments to the commenters:

Cassie – Mr IVF’s are somewhat weird beasts. We all tackle this crap different ways. I am a verbeler, most of us aren’t. More than happy to email / catchup if he is up for it. Mrs IVF appreciates a RLF(real life friend) , LHB (local hoboken buddy), or whatever you call :).. . I am really crap at those TLA (three letter acronyms)

Jen – we are going to trf two if we get that far

All – thanks for the well wishes and comments. All comments are greatly appreciated and vibes happily accepted

We mightn’t even make the bridge…

How can we fall off a rickety bridge we haven’t even got onto yet? I’ll tell you, ute lining. We went for a scan this morning and Mrs IVF pulled a 6.4mm lining reading when the min they want is 8mm. hmmm. (Mrs IVF even politely asked for a re scan. alas,no better). Our beloved mango princess then emailed our elf at the baby factory this AM and got a response back she’d speak with the baby maker. Stay tuned readers.

Since when in life did 1.6mm make a difference? I know it does here, but in your day to day life, how much does a few millimeters make a difference on anything? Take a few mm off my no caffeine tea? or make my commute 1.6mm longer or take another 1.6mm of cash out of my bank account to fix this lack of kid problem. Just give us a few more millimeters of lining please oh great lining giver? 

So here’s the mental image for today. We are standing in IVF land ready to start the journey to the land of parenthood. The backpacks are on and loaded with all sorts of emotions, patches, drugs, needles, suppositories etc etc  and we have repositioned our hearts from chest cavity to sleeve (where they can of course get damaged that much more easily).

We are all packed and heading for the bridge. Small steps, no rush, dont want to trip but at the same time, LETS GET IT ON!, we see the bridge, we see happy pregnant people and parents on the other side of the bridge, they are waving at us, egging us on telling us how wonderful it is, and that they know we can do it!, we see green grass, rainbows, happy smiling people, facebook pages with 10,000 photos, family picnics, happy grandparents.(ok – we know there is a  grotty side to kids, but that must be back further in parent land somewhere, we can’t see it as we are transfixed by this oasis, we are so parched and really want to drink from the other side of this bridge.)

We look at each other, we are beaming, we can do this, we know this bridge, we know the rickety bits, we have been in training, we’ve taken extra precautions to ensure we are ready to develop our frozen kiddies. So many drugs, so much time, timetables, everything, no probs, we are all over it. Its time to move on…..

Then we trip on a rock right under our nose that we didnt see coming and we have lost balance, we could fall over flat on our face this afternoon in the dust bowl we live in or we could regain balance and move on… . Either way, yet again, we are shaken, this process has delivered yet another random twist, and you know what, we are just fed up.

Anyone tripped on this rock and stayed on their feet?

Heading for the rickety bridge

Don’t fear, I am over the jet lag and crazy “world free of IVF” posts and am back to normal, alas my dry-old-jealous of-fertile-people self.

Apologies for the long delay between posts – I know the 5 of you who follow me must be beside yourself looking for an update- but the Hoboken Hilton (i.e. Mr and Mrs IVF base camp) has been rammed with guests from Australia. Damn that useless weak American dollar.

Actually seeing fam and friends is good we just need a break between them.. .our mate Nate, then dad, then my aunt and a mate of hers, a week or so “free” with Mission Denver and then mum meets up with us for Christmas. So today is the first gap in a while with my aunt, (or to pronounce that in American: “ant”) ,out of town for the weekend, Mr IVF is back (briefly).

The lovely Mrs IVF, the ever positive Mango Princess of my life, is storming through our baby quest challenge with her consistent resolve to land this kid thing once and for all, and what a few weeks its been. She has been avoiding chocolate as we did a food tours Greenwich Village with guests (cruel, very cruel on her), she avoided aussie chocolate and wine (and aussie chocolate is awesome) that our guests bring (time and time again) she has been shooting Lupron up in toilets as we have been out for dinner, (always at 9.30 – must keep to the clock!), sneaking into our bedroom to do likewise while I chortle with the guests over a bit of Karmel Sutra Ben and Jerry’s ice cream in the lounge….It has been tricky. But she remains laser focused and generally unfazed. Amazing. I would be a loon by now.

She is also on such a busy timeline of drugs, patches and “thing you put in your bits” (and I am not talking ice cream here people) that air traffic control at JFK would be easier to keep an eye on that this.  Checking over her mind boggling calendar, she has had to do 105 things to herself since oct 22nd – 43 days. So at least 2 things a day. She has been on birth control pills, Vivelle (which soulds like a type of ice cream… what is it with the ice cream theme tonight?), patches for estrogen (ranging from 1 every 2 days to now 4 every 2 days.. and she is running of out space where she hasnt slapped one on), Asprin (why not), Viagra “bullets”, and of course you need a needle of something, so why not our old mate Lupron. Today was a 4 patch switch over day, an AM asprin, an 8am, 1pm, 6pm and the pending 11pm viagra and of course 5ml of lupron to wrap things up. I thought she would be all chilled and bored with this but the viagra suppositories are like a magic trick to her, they are solid when they go in, but she never ceases to be amazed that they just keep dissapearing. Enough, this is starting to freak me out.

Clearly Mr IVF is not playing any Barry Manalow CD’s around the master bedroom these days, in fact I am on a 9 month ban. (yes months and yes, 9.)

I think Mrs IVF’s drug day peaks around Thursday next week so try this for a hobby… Vivelle patch refresh (quantity yet to be determined) in the morning, followed by asprin, will take some blood, endometrin (progesterone) in the AM sometime, Tetracycline at 8am (fck knows what this is – wikipedia says it treats acne, which Mrs IVF doesnt have), Endometrin at noon, tetra again at 1pm, then 6pm then some medrol  (wiki: supression on inflamation?) in the evening and then 1 more tetracycline at bed time. Why not. When does she get time to do any work I ask you, dear reader.

Anyway – we are ramping up again and heading for the bridge of hope. It’s safe here in IVF land. You know your current kid free life sucks, but it is sort of pain free (well as pain free as it ever has been) but you are not going out looking to have your heart ripped out.  As we walk on the rickety old bridge across “heartbreak canyon” next week in our quest to get to parentville, we will be putting ourselves back out there for the risk of emotional catastrophy. It’s safe here, we wont have kids where we sit today (well not more that 5 day old icicles which is a bit useless really, you would like a bit more interaction from your kids than that) so we need to do the bridge. While our friends around us fly over this canyon in no time on their freshly build, 100% sturdy concrete 4 lane freeways, we take the tricky, painful slow walk across the shaky bridge further down the valley from them. They cant see out bridge from their position as they blindly cruse up to parentville like it buying a coffee from starbucks and of course they would never take our path, who would, but we cant take theirs, so we have no other option. Wish us well for our emotional journey, we are off to try again after falling into the canyon 4 times and climbing back up the cliffs to the bizarre but unfulfilling “home” of IVF land. What a shitty outcrop in life to live, so its time to head to the mountains to see if we can grow our gourmet, hand made in the mountains, kiddies into real little princesses and nut bags.

We fly out of Gotham City Sat 12th. Trf is 14th. Mrs IVF is doing the limbo for 3 days then we are heading to Park City Utah (over 2 days) where Mr IVF is planning to lose the battery on his blackberry as he skis and Mrs IVF will lay low and take it easy and have her 1st holiday for the year. 23rd December is preggo test day… the day we fall in the canyon (again) or the day we know we have a decent chance of getting to the other side for once. Here we go, wish us luck.

Dear blogroll and crew – will catchup on your posts in the coming days. Hard to read about IVF with the guests  – dont want to give away our secret life now do we. Considering we have nothing but water & juice in the house , Mrs IVF, a well known sweet tooth, on no chocolate and neither of us on booze I am sure our guests think that a couple of late 30’s arent sending out “we cant have kids” signs anyway.

Chow for now


No more IVF for anyone – The plan from Mr Jetlagged

Ok, I wanted to hold off on this one until I had final signoff, but I got final approval first thing this am so I can now release my big news.

 There will be no more IVF in this world. Big hey! Thought you like it.

I wrote a long proposition to the God council (participants include God, Jesus, the holy spirit, Buda, Allah, Tiger Woods) to eliminate infertility and IVF and replace it with a more reasonable system and they went for it. Something predictable and fair.

You go to the supermarket and it has food to buy right?,you don’t turn up hoping that the shelves have something on them! You just shop. You jump on a plane and it flies you somewhere ? (well most of the time,) you don’t just go to the airport and hope it has planes! You tune in to this websites and get random rants from a desperate (but somewhat hansome) semi fertile aussie freak, you dont get Italian football scores. You turn on your TV and you watch programs, its not blank! (you getting this yet… predictability people!), so why when you have  shag it is soooo hit and miss and just frikkin random and having a kid is no flight to Columbus Ohio, or a can of soup at a supermarket, it’s a huge deal so we need a better system! 

Well no more of this silly heart wrenching randomness that causes so much angst and agony, the gods accepted my proposal. I am sure this will be on the news tonight, and in the papers tomorrow, so I may as well give you a sneak peak:

* babies will no longer be “awarded” on this random sex basis. You need to fill out a form (www.iwantakid.now ) and you application will be processed in due course. Current IVF / IUI etc pateints get a fast track option (www.kid-now-now-now-now!.now) . Successful parental approval will be avoided on the following criteria:

– you need to be good, (santa will be asked for a cross reference) financially sound, have a job, be of an appropriate age (i.e. not 14), be able to support your child and bring them up in an environment of love, warmth, caring, nurturing and development of your child.

– if you have (a) been insensitive to infertile people, (b) just nasty in general, (c) have a propensity to boast on facebook or add too many photos or (d) breach any of the conditions above, your application will be rejected. Your $50 application fee will not be refunded, but you can try again later when you get your shit together.

Once approved your ovaries and sperm will be turned on (don’t worry it doesnt hurt), you dig up the Barry White CD and  get on the case. You will be pregnant within the month, or you money back (well, it is god, so thats a good guarantee I guess). No more if’s or buts. Job done. So by default, all sex will be safe sex, so you are just “turning yourself on” (see – now you know where that phrase came from) once you get regulatory approval. Gents – when turned off , you will still shoot juice, it just lacks tadpoles that you will get injected in the mix when you pick up your  god issued parenting licence.

Note: you cannot choose if it’s a boy or girl and you still run the risk of multiples, (mother nature likes to thow curve balls). You also run the risk of kiddies with issues and we will all suffer age related concerns (no mums at age 60) etc, i.e. nature will run its course, we are just streamlining and making more efficient the on boarding process. Good idea hey!

So this solves:

– infertility and saves a fortune on contraceptives

– the emotion and struggle around unwanted pregnancies

– people who arent fit for parents accidently becoming parents

– humiliation to the IVF community

– orphanages

– those sad third world advertisements you asking to help third world kids

– probably no more crap in the paper about if angela is pregnant again

– no more octomum, kate + 8 etc freeing valuable media space for decent journalism 

I know how much you have all liked stressing out your relationships with the IVF rollercoaster. Oh the ups and down, the thrills, alas will be no more. Sorry, you will need to go real theme parks and tackle the rides with young Grover /Groverlina in person. Sorry for the inconvenience.

The websites should be up in the morning and thanks for your time and as everyone just loves to say in this country…. have a nice day.


Mr – nonIVF

The IVF room

So the US govt decided I am a worthy guest of the superpower for another year and let me back in the country. I saw Mrs IVF for a day or so and am now back in Columbus Ohio on work. I checked into my hotel and the over trained receptionist nearly passed out with the good news she had to give me… ” we have upgraded you to a whirlpool room!!!” which was delivered with the happy energy of someone who has just landed a $50 million lottery win…”Yay” I say, “but thats no good for me, you see I can’t cook my nuts in the tub, or enjoy the champas as I a sub fertile and that sort of thing kills off the boys”, “Oh” says the checkerinerer, “Sorry Mr IVF, we didnt have your fertility status on record (um, even though you name does imply it), so instead I’ll upgrade you to the IVF room. Sorry for the confusion, here, have a free breakfast on us, but rememeber,  no coffee”

I head to the whirlpool free, IVF friendly room and, wow, what a nice surprise. There are all sorts of treats in here:

– the fridge is stocked with exotic non alcoholic, no fizzy cocktails. Tasty

– The coffee machine has been replaced with a  juice maker

– there is a laptop that gives you an anonymous login to facebook but keeps all your friends profiles. To some of my more belligerent and annoying fertiles friends I post comments on their wall like “hey, that 16,000th photo of your 3 month old child looks pretty similar to the others, it appears your kid doesnt change as often as you think it does” or “hey thanks for all the pics of you kid. I printed them all out and flipped through them fast so now I have a running movie of every aspect of the first year of your kids life. Thanks” and “oh great 200 photos of you sitting on the lounge with the kid, thanks, I never tire of looking at young Grover”

– I turn on the TV, there are no kids programs, no kids in programs and certianly no happy happy family shenanigans, and if I go to the movie channel there of course a heap of porn but I am bored with that as I have seen all the offerings in “jerk and spurt” rooms around dr’s facilities all over this country.

– the phone is equipped with all sorts high-tech features. When you ring a friend with kids, it identifies gushing wonderfullness pouring out of parents and if the parents havent wised up to you lack of comments within 30 seconds it blasts a screaming siren down the phone. If they are too engrossed in their blindfully brilliant family  life then after 2 mins the phone the sends an electric pulse and zaps them. As I said – high tech phone.

– the bed is the most plumpest thing you have ever slept in. It’s like a cloud. It has a special ball bag massage facility that gently  massages the nads. These beds increase male fertility by 1,000%. It teaches the boys to swim, grow and be healthy.

hmmm, we can dream…. quite a dark, “isolate me from the fertiles” post, but your responses to my last post kicked me off. I am not anti kid, not anti parent, but am anti “lack of sensitivity” and above all just very tired,  certainly jealous of fertiles and above all just want out of IVF land. Badly. Bloody tiredness, time for a snooze on the cloud.

Hanging with fertiles

So the trip to London wraps up today and while worried at first, an intensive weekend hanging out with fertile friends has actually been  a lot of fun. Mrs IVF and I dont have any kids in our circle of friends in NYC, so hitting kidsville in Lon with my best mates has been a shock to the system. I was woken on Saturday morning by young Oscar and Ollie with cards they have had made with all sort of pictures (fireworks and rockets etc) saying “Mr IVF we love you,” Not bad for a 5 and 3 yo.  I also went and hung out with my 7 y.o. god-daughter and her little sister. The god-daughter needs to get her attitude adjusted but her somewhat sneaky little sister was a doll and wanted to know if I was staying or if “I would be gone again in the morning like you normally are”… told her I’d be gone and she said “well you should just come and stay more often. 10 days would be the right amout of time” All very cute and sweet. It really was touching and a complete surprise I didnt wig out.

I also think I have worked out why fertiles struggle to see what we go through. Our struggle is just so 180 degrees from where they are. Their life is saturated with children and completely flat out. I spent the weekend sucked up in the jetstream of what goes on with families with 2 kids between 3 and 8 years old and everyone just collapses once kids have gone to bed. Sure – my mates care and are interested to hear our kiddie struggles and are pretty reasonable support, but they don’t and will never really get it, but they try. But I guess that is like any illness. A really great mate’s wife is dealing with breast cancer. We sent her a box of books and try to ring from time to time but I dont know what she is really going through.

I felt good I can hang with my fertile friends and not feel hugely jealous. I see it more a sign of fate that this is my training lesson, (nothing wrong with some positive thinking!!). Just like when I had to read one of the stories to the girls they picked a book about tadpoles. OMG. I cracked up laughing and I said “nice selection – arent they a great batch of tadpoles.” I was frikkin jealous of sperm on the front cover of a 3yo’s book! Mum and dad didnt get it until I spelt it out of course. If she had a smurf book I probably would have keeled over in hysterics

However, the weekend was not event free.

Flashback…. June 2008 I had my birthday dinner with 3 other couples. We were about to start IVF, one couple announced their pregnancy (which kind of trashed my night, but they weren’t in the inner circle then, so you can’t blame them), another couple, we found out later, were also about to announce their pregnancy, but had the 12 week scan on monday so decided to hold off. The 12 weeks scan 2 days later showed no heartbeat. Ouch and the 4th the couple had no kid story as far as we know. But it was a weird, kid laden dinner when the dust settled and we looked back 4 months later on the whole thing and the MC came out.

I remember being incredibly jealous of these folks who announced their pregnancy. They had been at it for 30 seconds and of course we had 18 months on the clock ahead of them…. I really don’t need to tell this sort of story in detail. We all have “kiddie queue jumper” stories to tell. Anyway, my mate is in the loop now and has asked all the right questions and been quite supportive but can trip up on the insensitivity sometimes. E.g. he really needed to just go out with the lads and get pissed on a weekend a few months ago. Bloke weekend away, go hard! The guy didn’t invite me, but told me all about what they were doing and then repeated it all when he got back. You getting the sensitivity?

Anyway, he called me on Saturday night in London and announced with enormous fanfare ” we are pregnant again”. Smack. Cop that punch. “now we can both be pregnant at the same time!!”  Which, in hindsight is prob about as good as he can say. It acknowledges where we are at with an optimistic spin. But it still hurt. I decided not to ruin Mrs IVF’s night and would break it to her when I got back to NY. 5 mins later I get a txt ” X is pregnant. I can’t fucking believe it”. Fucking Facebook.  Mrs IVF took it hard. We thought we were pretty bullet proof but this one got in under the flak jacket.

So life goes on. We struggle again with what news we can handle from the fertiles but we stay laser focused on the plan. Mrs IVF is doing 5 units of Lupron every night and 1 estrogen patch every 2 days. Electro acupuncture starts on Wednesday with another blood test to boot. If that is good, she goes up to two patches on Friday.