Life on the other side of the bridge

After lots of thought, I have decided to pick up the keyboard and blog again… but I can’t blog here. I have a new site. The new site explains why I came back.

Mrs IVF is doing well and so far all is good. The “about” in the new site is pregnant news free and explains why I am back but the 1st post has a warning when you hit the update zone.

There is a lot more on the new site around my thinking, but I realize many of you won’t click over to the “butterfly” version of the Mr IVF “caterpillar” saga. Completely fine with that! I found reading pregnancy blogs hard sometimes, ok, a lot of the time, but some were just too damn good and I still wanted to know what was going on! No hard feelings at all from me though if we end the story here. As Arnie said “I’ll be back” if circumstance warrants it.

Hope all is well with you all in your own worlds and I hope that our story has given you some hope that even long-ish term sufferers like Mrs IVF and I , can get success out of IVF . (oh – and please keep fingers crossed for us – we are not there yet!)

http://mrinbetween.wordpress.com/

Advertisements

Day 1,097: The result

Yesterday was a somewhat crazy day. For a start it was out 3rd wedding anniversary so I guess also our 3rd anniversary for trying to be parents. Yay, lets go nuts and order a large sprite!! I have my mother in town with us and for fun, we refinanced the house yesterday, so it was all go yesterday on many fronts.

We headed out to dinner last night and found we couldn’t get a table at our fav place so we wandered to another spot and had a  good meal with sparkling mineral water!! (yep – go crazy). Thinking about it , I don’t think we have drunk booze for any of our anniversaries, maybe the first, but certainly not the last 2.  We talked like it was any other day, but it’s just hard to think about new years resolutions, the year ahead, the year passed and anything else when you are a day out from a preg test. It’s like an enormous log jam in your life. At least tomorrow, as the thinking went, we could move our life on somewhat.

It was a frikkin freezing night in Hoboken last night (-22 C / -8 F) so we stopped in at CVS on the way home to (a) warm up and (b) get some of those preggas tests. We couldn’t decide which box so I picked up 3 boxes… “We are NOT getting 3 boxes, thats just ridiculous”… bursts Mrs IVF (and I add irritability to the preg symptoms watch list).. “Listen” I say, with a lightbulb going off in my head , “we should have done this a long time ago, overdose on pregnancy tests and guess what, we’ll test one, and then you know what, you’ll be pregnant, the rest are a waste of money and we can laugh as we throw the rest out. They call it Murphy’s law”. Mrs IVF saw logic in this so we headed to the bemused checkout chick and dumped  the $50 charge on a pretty tired credit card.

We got home and watched telly for a bit then headed to bed. We couldn’t bring ourselves to test, thinking end of day (not good for preg tests) and a gut load of water from dinner would marginalize the results. “Bugger it, let’s do it” say Mrs IVF and we settle into position. We decided to test 2 different ones (why not, we just bought a pile of them). Digital first… flashing away with its windows style hour glass, then the one with the window we are looking for a second line on. I am staring between the two of them… looking, looking … frikkin 10 years passes.

In cycle 3 we had a chemical, I think the HSG reading was something like “4” and we agonised over a preg test that morning with the faintest of lines. Excutiating, but I feel  I can tell line vs no line no matter how faint…

“I think I see a line” was all I could say. Mrs IVF comes springing across out 6ft by 4ft en suite and we stare at it. I quickly check the other sample. One word: pregnant. we check back to the 1st one, the line is getting darker, deffo a line there. I check back to the digital one. Still one word. We cry, we hug, we hug, we cry. I have never felt that way and I cannot put into words how it feels. After so long, we looked to have crossed the bridge.

Fast fwd to today…

Mrs IVF does another preg test, why not, this time with the cross. we get the cross. It seems so easy. It’s horrible how easy this can be if it’s the result you want. Atrocious actually.

We just got the call from a nurse at our old clinic where Mrs IVF is still has her blood work done, confirming the pregnancy and congratulating her and then I heard Mrs IVF say “we just transferred 2″… oh geez….I thought that line came up very fast last night and its a dark line! Mrs IVF asks for the HCG reading… “302”.. .which I have no idea how big that is (but know its big) but I know its over the 50 we need and nowhere near 4. Oh my gosh. I really just don’t what to type anymore.

There is one last thing I promised myself I would do if I ever got to this day and that is to sadly, end this blog, so this will be my final post around anything to do with progress etc. I will probably return if we don’t succeed from here. I will of course keep an eye on many of you who I have been following for years. But this is a game changer so I can’t keep posting. The 45,000 words I have dumped out here has been hard at times but always cathartic to help me get through this and your support, oh brilliant commenters amongst you, has been superb. Thankyou so much.

I owe you some posts over what we have done, how we did it, what it costs etc etc  (see poll) that I didn’t feel comfortable writing about until we had had some success, so I will get on the case and get them posted. If you have a question you want a thought on, please post a comment

When I added the map recently I didn’t realise how far and wide people came form who read this. I have no great profound ending to this saga, just hang in there. If it can happen to us, veterans of 5 cycles, I really think it can happen for most. As I posted in a response earlier today to another blog, this is a cruel race, that you hope is a 400m, turns into a 1,500m, then a marathon, then an ultra marathon and the really horrible part is that you don’t even know if the race has a finish line. It is truly cruel.

Hardly my funniest post, I think I am just too all over the place at the moment. Best of luck, post a question if you want any thoughts, and thank you again so much for your support and comments.

Mr IVF

Heading for the rickety bridge

Don’t fear, I am over the jet lag and crazy “world free of IVF” posts and am back to normal, alas my dry-old-jealous of-fertile-people self.

Apologies for the long delay between posts – I know the 5 of you who follow me must be beside yourself looking for an update- but the Hoboken Hilton (i.e. Mr and Mrs IVF base camp) has been rammed with guests from Australia. Damn that useless weak American dollar.

Actually seeing fam and friends is good we just need a break between them.. .our mate Nate, then dad, then my aunt and a mate of hers, a week or so “free” with Mission Denver and then mum meets up with us for Christmas. So today is the first gap in a while with my aunt, (or to pronounce that in American: “ant”) ,out of town for the weekend, Mr IVF is back (briefly).

The lovely Mrs IVF, the ever positive Mango Princess of my life, is storming through our baby quest challenge with her consistent resolve to land this kid thing once and for all, and what a few weeks its been. She has been avoiding chocolate as we did a food tours Greenwich Village with guests (cruel, very cruel on her), she avoided aussie chocolate and wine (and aussie chocolate is awesome) that our guests bring (time and time again) she has been shooting Lupron up in toilets as we have been out for dinner, (always at 9.30 – must keep to the clock!), sneaking into our bedroom to do likewise while I chortle with the guests over a bit of Karmel Sutra Ben and Jerry’s ice cream in the lounge….It has been tricky. But she remains laser focused and generally unfazed. Amazing. I would be a loon by now.

She is also on such a busy timeline of drugs, patches and “thing you put in your bits” (and I am not talking ice cream here people) that air traffic control at JFK would be easier to keep an eye on that this.  Checking over her mind boggling calendar, she has had to do 105 things to herself since oct 22nd – 43 days. So at least 2 things a day. She has been on birth control pills, Vivelle (which soulds like a type of ice cream… what is it with the ice cream theme tonight?), patches for estrogen (ranging from 1 every 2 days to now 4 every 2 days.. and she is running of out space where she hasnt slapped one on), Asprin (why not), Viagra “bullets”, and of course you need a needle of something, so why not our old mate Lupron. Today was a 4 patch switch over day, an AM asprin, an 8am, 1pm, 6pm and the pending 11pm viagra and of course 5ml of lupron to wrap things up. I thought she would be all chilled and bored with this but the viagra suppositories are like a magic trick to her, they are solid when they go in, but she never ceases to be amazed that they just keep dissapearing. Enough, this is starting to freak me out.

Clearly Mr IVF is not playing any Barry Manalow CD’s around the master bedroom these days, in fact I am on a 9 month ban. (yes months and yes, 9.)

I think Mrs IVF’s drug day peaks around Thursday next week so try this for a hobby… Vivelle patch refresh (quantity yet to be determined) in the morning, followed by asprin, will take some blood, endometrin (progesterone) in the AM sometime, Tetracycline at 8am (fck knows what this is – wikipedia says it treats acne, which Mrs IVF doesnt have), Endometrin at noon, tetra again at 1pm, then 6pm then some medrol  (wiki: supression on inflamation?) in the evening and then 1 more tetracycline at bed time. Why not. When does she get time to do any work I ask you, dear reader.

Anyway – we are ramping up again and heading for the bridge of hope. It’s safe here in IVF land. You know your current kid free life sucks, but it is sort of pain free (well as pain free as it ever has been) but you are not going out looking to have your heart ripped out.  As we walk on the rickety old bridge across “heartbreak canyon” next week in our quest to get to parentville, we will be putting ourselves back out there for the risk of emotional catastrophy. It’s safe here, we wont have kids where we sit today (well not more that 5 day old icicles which is a bit useless really, you would like a bit more interaction from your kids than that) so we need to do the bridge. While our friends around us fly over this canyon in no time on their freshly build, 100% sturdy concrete 4 lane freeways, we take the tricky, painful slow walk across the shaky bridge further down the valley from them. They cant see out bridge from their position as they blindly cruse up to parentville like it buying a coffee from starbucks and of course they would never take our path, who would, but we cant take theirs, so we have no other option. Wish us well for our emotional journey, we are off to try again after falling into the canyon 4 times and climbing back up the cliffs to the bizarre but unfulfilling “home” of IVF land. What a shitty outcrop in life to live, so its time to head to the mountains to see if we can grow our gourmet, hand made in the mountains, kiddies into real little princesses and nut bags.

We fly out of Gotham City Sat 12th. Trf is 14th. Mrs IVF is doing the limbo for 3 days then we are heading to Park City Utah (over 2 days) where Mr IVF is planning to lose the battery on his blackberry as he skis and Mrs IVF will lay low and take it easy and have her 1st holiday for the year. 23rd December is preggo test day… the day we fall in the canyon (again) or the day we know we have a decent chance of getting to the other side for once. Here we go, wish us luck.

Dear blogroll and crew – will catchup on your posts in the coming days. Hard to read about IVF with the guests  – dont want to give away our secret life now do we. Considering we have nothing but water & juice in the house , Mrs IVF, a well known sweet tooth, on no chocolate and neither of us on booze I am sure our guests think that a couple of late 30’s arent sending out “we cant have kids” signs anyway.

Chow for now

Mr IVF

No more IVF for anyone – The plan from Mr Jetlagged

Ok, I wanted to hold off on this one until I had final signoff, but I got final approval first thing this am so I can now release my big news.

 There will be no more IVF in this world. Big hey! Thought you like it.

I wrote a long proposition to the God council (participants include God, Jesus, the holy spirit, Buda, Allah, Tiger Woods) to eliminate infertility and IVF and replace it with a more reasonable system and they went for it. Something predictable and fair.

You go to the supermarket and it has food to buy right?,you don’t turn up hoping that the shelves have something on them! You just shop. You jump on a plane and it flies you somewhere ? (well most of the time,) you don’t just go to the airport and hope it has planes! You tune in to this websites and get random rants from a desperate (but somewhat hansome) semi fertile aussie freak, you dont get Italian football scores. You turn on your TV and you watch programs, its not blank! (you getting this yet… predictability people!), so why when you have  shag it is soooo hit and miss and just frikkin random and having a kid is no flight to Columbus Ohio, or a can of soup at a supermarket, it’s a huge deal so we need a better system! 

Well no more of this silly heart wrenching randomness that causes so much angst and agony, the gods accepted my proposal. I am sure this will be on the news tonight, and in the papers tomorrow, so I may as well give you a sneak peak:

* babies will no longer be “awarded” on this random sex basis. You need to fill out a form (www.iwantakid.now ) and you application will be processed in due course. Current IVF / IUI etc pateints get a fast track option (www.kid-now-now-now-now!.now) . Successful parental approval will be avoided on the following criteria:

– you need to be good, (santa will be asked for a cross reference) financially sound, have a job, be of an appropriate age (i.e. not 14), be able to support your child and bring them up in an environment of love, warmth, caring, nurturing and development of your child.

– if you have (a) been insensitive to infertile people, (b) just nasty in general, (c) have a propensity to boast on facebook or add too many photos or (d) breach any of the conditions above, your application will be rejected. Your $50 application fee will not be refunded, but you can try again later when you get your shit together.

Once approved your ovaries and sperm will be turned on (don’t worry it doesnt hurt), you dig up the Barry White CD and  get on the case. You will be pregnant within the month, or you money back (well, it is god, so thats a good guarantee I guess). No more if’s or buts. Job done. So by default, all sex will be safe sex, so you are just “turning yourself on” (see – now you know where that phrase came from) once you get regulatory approval. Gents – when turned off , you will still shoot juice, it just lacks tadpoles that you will get injected in the mix when you pick up your  god issued parenting licence.

Note: you cannot choose if it’s a boy or girl and you still run the risk of multiples, (mother nature likes to thow curve balls). You also run the risk of kiddies with issues and we will all suffer age related concerns (no mums at age 60) etc, i.e. nature will run its course, we are just streamlining and making more efficient the on boarding process. Good idea hey!

So this solves:

– infertility and saves a fortune on contraceptives

– the emotion and struggle around unwanted pregnancies

– people who arent fit for parents accidently becoming parents

– humiliation to the IVF community

– orphanages

– those sad third world advertisements you asking to help third world kids

– probably no more crap in the paper about if angela is pregnant again

– no more octomum, kate + 8 etc freeing valuable media space for decent journalism 

I know how much you have all liked stressing out your relationships with the IVF rollercoaster. Oh the ups and down, the thrills, alas will be no more. Sorry, you will need to go real theme parks and tackle the rides with young Grover /Groverlina in person. Sorry for the inconvenience.

The websites should be up in the morning and thanks for your time and as everyone just loves to say in this country…. have a nice day.

Love

Mr – nonIVF

The IVF room

So the US govt decided I am a worthy guest of the superpower for another year and let me back in the country. I saw Mrs IVF for a day or so and am now back in Columbus Ohio on work. I checked into my hotel and the over trained receptionist nearly passed out with the good news she had to give me… ” we have upgraded you to a whirlpool room!!!” which was delivered with the happy energy of someone who has just landed a $50 million lottery win…”Yay” I say, “but thats no good for me, you see I can’t cook my nuts in the tub, or enjoy the champas as I a sub fertile and that sort of thing kills off the boys”, “Oh” says the checkerinerer, “Sorry Mr IVF, we didnt have your fertility status on record (um, even though you name does imply it), so instead I’ll upgrade you to the IVF room. Sorry for the confusion, here, have a free breakfast on us, but rememeber,  no coffee”

I head to the whirlpool free, IVF friendly room and, wow, what a nice surprise. There are all sorts of treats in here:

– the fridge is stocked with exotic non alcoholic, no fizzy cocktails. Tasty

– The coffee machine has been replaced with a  juice maker

– there is a laptop that gives you an anonymous login to facebook but keeps all your friends profiles. To some of my more belligerent and annoying fertiles friends I post comments on their wall like “hey, that 16,000th photo of your 3 month old child looks pretty similar to the others, it appears your kid doesnt change as often as you think it does” or “hey thanks for all the pics of you kid. I printed them all out and flipped through them fast so now I have a running movie of every aspect of the first year of your kids life. Thanks” and “oh great 200 photos of you sitting on the lounge with the kid, thanks, I never tire of looking at young Grover”

– I turn on the TV, there are no kids programs, no kids in programs and certianly no happy happy family shenanigans, and if I go to the movie channel there of course a heap of porn but I am bored with that as I have seen all the offerings in “jerk and spurt” rooms around dr’s facilities all over this country.

– the phone is equipped with all sorts high-tech features. When you ring a friend with kids, it identifies gushing wonderfullness pouring out of parents and if the parents havent wised up to you lack of comments within 30 seconds it blasts a screaming siren down the phone. If they are too engrossed in their blindfully brilliant family  life then after 2 mins the phone the sends an electric pulse and zaps them. As I said – high tech phone.

– the bed is the most plumpest thing you have ever slept in. It’s like a cloud. It has a special ball bag massage facility that gently  massages the nads. These beds increase male fertility by 1,000%. It teaches the boys to swim, grow and be healthy.

hmmm, we can dream…. quite a dark, “isolate me from the fertiles” post, but your responses to my last post kicked me off. I am not anti kid, not anti parent, but am anti “lack of sensitivity” and above all just very tired,  certainly jealous of fertiles and above all just want out of IVF land. Badly. Bloody tiredness, time for a snooze on the cloud.

Uncle Sam wants … me

I think we are there on a decision. It’s a bit fo a middle bet. 3 freaks Mrs IVF out way way too much and no idea why we moved off one. So it’s looking like 2. Maybe it was Schoolies comments about 2 vs 3 that kicked us up a notch. We do have an impressive failure track record.

The house is back full of drugs again and Mrs IVF is jabbing away in style with her lupron every night. We know things are going to heat up again when the “ivf calendar” gets refreshed and this one is a picture of beauty. So no stims, therefore fewer needles, but boy, what a busy calendar, I think on a few days she has upto 10 things going on… well more correctly, I should say in. It’s a bit of a suppository super show. Wunderbar, and I believe in full technicolour. I believe blue staining comes into the mix somewhere, so Mrs will be sporting some “smurf turf”, (well thats what my mind has made out of this whole situations. Not to worry… all for the good cause…. I guess, I plan to stay clear unless asked to help ….as always!)

By the way – how did I get here? How did I get to blogging about my wifes bits turning blue? Where was this in the quest to have kids? I swear fertiles have no idea, and half their luck ..

In London this week so Mrs IVF is on a solo shot quest, which is good as the one shot I did give her since we started back on needles bruised her. Nice work meat head.

Dad has gone back to oz. It was fantastic having him over and saying goodbye wasnt easy. Never is. We had an awesome game of golf at bethpage black – home of the 2009 US open last Friday before he left. Wow what a course. It comes with a health warning before you hit off saying this course is reserved for Tiger Woods and anyone better, so you dont go into it thinking you will rip this course to shreds.  As it turned out, I played one of the top 10 games of my life so had a great day and walking up the final hole it dawned on me I havent thought of IVF all day long. Perfect.

So the ute prep continues back home in Jersey, The US govt just issued me with another 1 visa, (which is a relief as it means I can now return to the US!), and life goes on… We head back to the baby factory 12th Dec, transfer is lined up for the 14th assuming all prep goes well and then after a few days R&R we are off to the mountains for a bit of skiing (Mr IVF) and relaxing / growing kiddies (Mrs IVF), before returning to NY 28th Dec. Mum is flying in somewhere in here as well. (Yep – more family).

Lastly, in the US embassy today my interview was with someone who is on her 2nd day on the job, she turned to her boss at some point for some clarification and all I could hear was “oh, this is the type of guy we want”. Wow. The superpower needs me. I hope they arent looking for me as a sperm donor otherwise they will be sorely disappointed. Still, will do what I can for my currently adopted homeland. 

 

Garnering consensus

Funny thing this IVF shit show. Sorry, people put full stops in those words…. shit sh.ow.

I have reached out to a few inner circle mates to of course get their opinions around this transfer question and you know what, some thoughts are golden and some are clueless. We all know the pitfalls of opinions from clueless fertiles.

We are currently enjoying the company of my father who has come to the big smoke from Sydney, Australia. Awesome guy who I am very close to and someone I respect immensely. Want to work out where I get my sense of humor from? Try this. He is flying on United and I warned him that these guys suck (come on, they really do) and he should be prepared for a fairly shitty fl.ight. “As long as the number of take off equals the number of landings, I’ll be fine”. He’s a down to earth guy who focuses on the fundamentals.

So we are getting his input live in the current situation and the other day, straight after the Baby maker call, we all sat down on the lounge to chat about it. I dont know what hit me and dont really remember well, but Mrs IVF informs me that we start to talk of 1 vs 2 vs 3 and I just zonked straight off to sleep on the lounge (well, work has been a little tough and I guess I just was a bit wiped out), so dad and Mrs IVF trundled off to the study and continued to chat.

Dad view is as random as mind “go two and you know what, you can do three cycles” or “go three, drop them in and see how you go fast and get back to stimming if needs be”…. to be honest, he is super sensitive to interfering and prefers to play a pitstop role and just help us to think rather than offer suggestions. He has done this all my life. “you haven’t made too many  bad calls in your life, so why should I start interfering now” is his general mantra.

In the wider friend group, the moron of the week comment goes to a british buddy of mine (father of 2 at the BOAEL  – at the blink of an eyelid), who feels up to speed, and truly thinks he is helping but really has both feet in his mouth. The conversation was around the 2 vs 3 but also if we stim again if we have one / a few failed cycles. The view in our camp (as many of you I am sure subscribe is – stim when you can as eveything just gets older). Mr Moron’s view? Half way through my explanation  he blurts out the following interruption – “2 and why would you stim again? Listen dude it comes to a point where you just have to wonder if this is ever going to work”…. oh beautiful, thanks for helping me comes to terms with that thought.

The whole chat reminded me of the movie terminator 2 where that really fancy future cyborg thing comes down to try and get that rude kid you just want to belt around the head but the Governor of California gets in the way, by raising taxes, sending the state broke and oh yeah, shooting the facy future bad cop. Well – remember how that bad cop could just be blown away at point blank range and you would think “oh man, that shot had to kill it”, but it doesn’t, it regroups and gets on with its fancy cyborg life…. well that’s how this conversation felt. My pommy mate is the governator and I just got a double barrel dump to the face. What a senseless muppet, but who cares, life goes on.

Oh by the way – today I am thinking 2. I have picked up 2 very wise soundbites on top of your great comments:

– don’t put in more that you really want back

– don’t have more kids that you have arms